Okay.. I'm going to say it.. I am the archetype of procrastination with a HUGE side order of LAZY (the lazy part..I secretly despise.)
To the outside world, I'm sure it looks like I do much more than I do and that I don't find time to sleep, so NOT true. People ask me, "How do you do it all?" and to be honest I think to myself .. "I don't do enough." Granted I do start my day early, 5am.. and for the first 3-4 hours of my day are spent on the computer, catching up with business duties, some facebook time, dreaming of my next big project from Pinterest, blogging, budgeting etc. Yet, I get nothing accomplished that I am proud of. I have all these thoughts of "doing this and doing that".. but they are just thoughts that eventually start to become this little burden b/c I WANT to do it and it never gets done.. ever... because this is where the LAZY kicks in.
I will say my house is tidy and clean. I do run a tight ship when it comes to organizing and cleanliness AND that is where it ends. ALL I do is run around my house, wiping down, cleaning, picking up, organizing this, straightening that and I do it EVERY.SINGLE.DAY.
OH, and let's now even get to my Mt. Washmore laundry tasks. THAT in itself is a job! With (3) kids who change their clothes on average 2-3 times a day EACH *****.. yeah.. laundry is the devil!
BUT getting back on track.. internally I'm fighting this personal battle.
I am the queen of the organizational notebooks. I have my life organized in every aspect possible in a notebook, except for making time for me. I have notebooks for mostly everything ... the general household upkeep and maintenance, menu planning, gift giving, sewing, soaping, knitting, even our budget is in a nice neat notebook. I swear my notebooks are more organized than my actual life. I think I need to create a notebook for time management. (see how easily I create work for myself but not do things I actually WANT to do?.. I swear I am my own worst enemy)
What do I want to do? I want to create! I want to be as productive as these people that I waste hours on pinterest and blogs on gawking over pictures of their creative life. I admire pictures of peoples artistic creations, I simply get lost in the construction of the item, the blending of colors.. it begins to stir emotions of inspiration in me and also at that moment, I suddenly start feeling like an uncreative troll - semi loser for NOT using my talents and being so DAMN LAZY!!!!
I WANT TO BE THAT CREATIVE PERSON! I WANT TO CREATE! I WANT TO LOOK AT MY FINISHED CREATIONS AND FEEL PRIDE! I WANT TO HEAR WILL SAY TO ME, "WOW BABE, THAT'S AWESOME" Nothing is sweeter than having your talents and hard work acknowledged. It's this overwhelming sense of inner joy, pride and sense of accomplished artistry.
(but here is where it all comes to a screeching halt.)
I love to sew, I get this creative bug and all I can think about is designing and creating my next "big creation" but when I think about it, I mean REALLY think about it, the picking of the fabric, the cutting, the measuring, the ironing, the serging, the sewing, the ironing again .. the urge suddenly leaves me. It no longer feels "fun", but a "chore", a "job", a "nuisance", "something I don't have TIME for."
I feel the urge of creativity and inspiration slowly dissipate as quickly as I can exhale and I say to myself.. "meh, I don't feel like this doing this right now, I don't have the time for this, maybe tomorrow." Well, as you can tell by my empty etsy shop and the lack of my craft stall at the local Saturday market, that "tomorrow" never comes.
I used to journal ALL.THE.TIME. I have a huge tote full of my writings, poetry, short stories, my unfinished novel I started when I was 14. I was at one point, quite the creative writer. I was once asked by my high school english teachers to have my works published in their books (which I declined and now regret.) I have written speeches, papers and acceptance letters into schools for friends in which they got a response to join their creative writing departments. (that seems like a lifetime ago!) But like sewing and everything else.. I pushed it out with the excuse.. I don't have time.
"I DON'T HAVE TIME..."
I find myself saying that ALL.THE.TIME.
I never have time to make friends, I never have time to call what friends I have or drop them a letter, I never have time to go here, I never have time to go there, I never have time to sew, I never have time to make soap, I never have time to just sit and read a book to Emilia, I never have time to play a board game with the boys, I never have time to MAKE TIME FOR THE IMPORTANT STUFF IN MY LIFE! But where is all the time going? It's being wasted on excuses of NOT having time! I am sick of my own excuses of NOT having time!
I actually feel like I don't have "TIME" to be creative. Like something is more important that needs to be done and all I end up doing is running from one room of my house to the next, all the while feeling the burdens of wanting to do what I want (sew, make soap, etc) and them NOT getting done. BUT the burden is there.. heavy in my mind, in my thoughts and this unexplainable weight of guilt b/c I'm NOT making what I should, what I want. It's the quintessential infinite cycle, and it's bogging me down emotionally.
I have this "NEED" to keep running around my house like a robot, doing nothing at all productive really.. just running back and forth, tidying. I open a closet and "BAM" I start organizing it b/c the towels aren't aligned right, I mean REALLY? COME ON! I have the most organized towels, drawers, cabinets and closets around! So WHY do I feel the need to take the WHOLE closet apart and redo the WHOLE darn thing?!?
I simply can't stand it anymore!
Changes need to happen.. for me... I need to re-catorigize my priorities... I'm tired of telling my talent/creativeness AND my kids.. "one minute", "not today", "tomorrow", "I don't have time", "I have to do this first", "Please stop asking, I said I couldn't do it today" etc, etc, etc....
I MUST MAKE A CHANGE!!
So from today on..
To start making the change I need, I am making a vow to myself to follow these rules:
That I will spend.....
* 1 hour a day doing something creative / crafty/ fun FOR ME
* I will spend LESS time gawking at other's creations and start making my own!
* I will spend LESS time writing my blog posts (2-3 hours a post is TOO long)
* I will set a time limit on viewing other's blogs, pinterest and FB pages.. this is NOT enhancing my life or that of my family's.
* I will take the time to read 1 book to Emilia each day
* I will take the time to work with Emilia on her sight words
* I will take the time to sit with the boys doing whatever
* Execute Family Game Night - Wed nights (which fell by the way side)
* and spend LESS time trying to reorganize the already organized parts of my life and focus on what NEEDS to have my attention.
I KNOW this is going to be a huge, difficult step for me, but it is a step that HAS to be taken. I'm tired of feeling like I'm failing everyone I love, including myself.
SO today, I AM beginning with a baby step, I'm going to find my timer and create a Priority Time Management Schedule for myself, incorporating the tasks I VOW to myself and one's that I would LIKE to accomplish (being realistic.)
Once my schedule is complete, I begin the scheduled task, set the timer for the time allotted AND do it! (cleaning, business time, personal computer time, crafting, blogging etc) If the timer goes off and my task is NOT completed, depending on the importance of it I will try to complete it in another allotted 15 minutes. If it's not completed after the additional time, then it will be on the task for completion the following day.
I have to start somewhere and that's a good place to start right?
Wish Me Luck!
Love and Light!
=) Kristina
**** Disclaimer: (the reason why the kids change so much is they play with friends with cats and since Will is direly allergic to cats, if they are at their friend's houses, I ask that they change their clothes so that cat dander won't be spread in OUR house making Will miserable with his allergies in OUR house, SO it's not them just randomly changing b/c they want to.. they do it out of respect, so I'm NOT complaining about that.. but it's ALOT of laundry!)
